Yesterday was an interesting day. I helped my buddy Rob move from one end of town to the other, and after a long, hard day of nearly losing fingers, pulling muscles, and finding out I’m really out of shape, I figured it was time to reward myself with a snack while re-fueling the U-HAUL. Amidst the wonderland of overpriced snacks that make up the gas station convenience store, lies a foul, stalwart of a treat known as Doritos’ marketing trick de jour…

It’s called X-13D, and is supposedly a “flavor experiment.” I’ll kill the suspense right now, it’s supposed to taste like a cheeseburger. For lack of a better way to describe the new flavor, it’s absolutely disgusting. What might be the worst part (besides the fact you can’t get your money back without spending 15 minutes on the phone with customer service–hardly worth the $.99), is the flavor, which in my opinion is not something I want in a tortilla chip snack. What makes a cheeseburger, or any burger for that matter, delicious is its texture and balance of flavors. The soft bun, the crisp lettuce and pickles, mixed in with drippy sauces and gooey cheese. Not to mention the meat, which if you’ve spent more than $4 should taste like humankind’s glorious victory over agriculture (and vegetarians).

None of these things are in X-13D, except the god awful aftertaste you get in your mouth a) from eating Doritos, and b) a cheeseburger. It’s somewhere between the artificial flavor they’ve put in there for pickles, and the other for mayo. Either way it’s nasty and sticks with you for at least an hour. I’d recommend steering away from these things at all costs.

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The only downside I’ve discovered thus far is that I think every beverage I’m drinking is Kool-Aid–an unfortunate side effect of the coloring I suppose. That and I only have one of them.

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